Living and Learning

We learn far more from our mistakes than our successes, in which case I should be very wise indeed, given that I've had a lot more misses than hits in my life.  But I figure on the acquired wisdom and knowledge scale, I'm just about where I should be.  So I'll just keep breathing and walking through it all and see what comes up to upgrade my status.  Maybe nothing ever will.  Maybe I'll never have that pivotal moment, that flash of deep insight where everything comes together and I'll finally "get it."  Such revelations usually come only when one spends their whole life dedicated to finding peace and enlightenment, a state of consciousness Buddhists refer to as samadhi.  I guess I'll have to settle for the lay-person's version of wisdom.

I keep this online journal of mine to check in on myself every once in a while, to see how I'm doing.  Sharing my thoughts forces me to be very aware of what I'm saying.  I have to think twice before I write something down for all the world to read.  (That's a relative notion, of course.)
I write about my own world to create more "successes" in my life - to accomplish something, small though it may be.  Just finishing one little blurb is a small achievement for me.  It doesn't give me fame, or glory, or riches.  All I get is a little satisfaction for briefly and lightly expressing myself, and the hope that maybe, just maybe, someone out there will hear me.  If not, at least I can come back here, weeks or months or even years later, and read how I was doing, and what mattered to me at this time in my life.  (I just hope nothing will embarrass me the way some of the entries in my old-fashioned paper-bound journals do.  Oh well, there's always "delete.")
In the vast scheme of things, my little web is inconsequential, and I don't really care, because I don't aspire to changing the world, or making a difference.  My schemes and dreams aren't that grand.  In fact, if I could leave things at least the way I found them, with as little evidence that I came by this way, I'd be fine with that.  But it's too late.  I'm taking up space, consuming, and polluting, all the time, just by the mere fact that I'm alive.  So I'm trying to do less of those things these days, too.  I'm doing my best to rid my life of excess, both physically and psychologically.  The less I consume and acquire, the less space I take up, and the less I pollute.  But I fail on a daily basis, and most of the time for the most selfish reasons.  But geez, sometimes a cold beer on a hot day is a great way to celebrate something, or just plain chill out.  And as long as I do it consciously and gratefully, I like to think that I'm still part of the solution, and not part of the problem.
Most of the time conscious living is as simple as making the right choice.  Granted, making the right choice may be a simple solution, but it's not always easy.  Choices aren't always just black or white; life includes many shades of grey, too.  (And I don't mean that dreadful, smutty book that's getting so much undeserved attention these days.)
I'm not an activist, nor am I a true contemplative.  But I can actively live out my beliefs and values, which are, I hope, aligned with the greater good.  Every day I'm more aware of the consequences of my actions.  That's a full-time, life-long practise.  Following that path doesn't have to be onerous; in fact, it can be a joyous pursuit, and like any discipline, it gets easier to achieve the more one practises. 
Every moment I feel well and enjoy the simple act of breathing and being alive is a "success."   I've come to realise those moments are happening more and more for me. That's when I'm not dwelling on my past, or mired in memories of all the mistakes I've made, or worrying that I'm not making a difference.  All I have to do to feel good about who I am is to pay attention, to listen to other people and to myself, i.e. my body, and then attend to what I hear and see.  I'm no good to anyone else if I'm not good to myself.  No doubt I'll keep making mistakes, but as long as I keep learning from them, I'll be a wiser woman.  There's nothing wrong with that. 
- G.P.