Alone in the Real World

I like who I am when I'm alone. Most of the time, as long as I'm feeling well and don't have any immediate problems, I'm exactly who I want to be when there's no one else around. Under these circumstances I tend to be quiet (let's hope!), take my time and move more slowly, breathe more consciously, notice details and yet appreciate big and small things equally, and am generally less judgemental. So if I'm spending time with myself and everything is tickety-boo, I start to feel as if I'm part of the solution and not the problem - globally speaking - which is a very nice way to feel. But then I go and blow my cover when I get out there and meet people.
In order to keep things running as smoothly as possible, a lot of negotiating and compromise is required. That's part of my problem right there. Instead of thinking that being with people is a game that requires negotiation and compromise, I should be thinking in terms of compassion and patience. Getting along with people shouldn't be a business, for heavens sake. That's an attitude I should apply to my career rather than my personal life. Maybe I'd be a lot further ahead. Aye me.
So what's the problem? The more people there are to deal with, whether in the workplace or a social situation, the more chances there are for conflict. Business tends to be based on competition, and feeling that being with people is a "business" engenders a sense of competition in me. Someone wins and someone loses. No wonder I prefer who I am when I'm by myself. I'm not competing with or comparing myself to anyone.
The more people there are gathered in one place, the less control I have over the big picture. Okay, that's fair. I'm not queen of the world, nor do I want to be. The only things I can control all the time are the way I think, the way I comport myself, and especially the way I react. Reacting in a civil, humane manner to whatever is happening is obviously what I must do to avoid the conflict I so fear. And that may mean not reacting at all. The point is, the only thing I can really ever control is me. That's why I tend to like myself better when I'm alone. When I'm alone I demonstrate to myself one of the qualities I wish I could maintain all the time - being self-contained. Other people have a way of knocking me off-balance.
So here I go again with the same solution I have for just about any problem - talk less, listen more. It makes me look wiser, even if I'm not. But at least choosing to do that is wise. That's because I almost always learn something when I listen.
The solution to my problem about being a better person in public is to learn how to be "alone" when I'm surrounded by people. It's being private in public. And I don't mean sitting in a cafe or pub by myself whilst writing in my journal. I'm talking about engaging with others and yet maintaining the sense aloneness, of being self-contained.
I don't think I'm necessarily anti-social by wanting to be alone in public and detaching myself from all the business that's going on around me. I'm simply trying to transfer that person I rather like when I'm by myself into a public forum. I need to be quiet for that. If I'm in a noisy place, then I'll do what any self-contained person would do - pull that quietude out of the fully-stocked storehouse of their soul. Being alone has shown me that I have it, too. So maybe it's time I spread the wealth, and then it'd be win/win for everyone.
- G. P.