Clarity

It came to me in a flash of simple brilliance - a little "ping" in my mind. I have a lot of time on my hands these days, and sometimes I feel guilty if I'm not filling every moment with busy-ness. If I'm not engaged in some activity or project that moves my life forward, helps me to achieve my goals or improves me in some way, whether it be my health, happiness, or career, I start to think that I'm wasting time.
Modern, western society decries wasting time, or doing nothing. Since there's been a fair amount of time when I haven't really been doing anything, and even feeling bored (which I'm ashamed to admit), by the aforementioned standards I'm a real loser. Fortunately, I haven't been feeling like a loser at all (so much for western values), but the sense of time wasted still creeps in every so often - at least it did until just before I started spinning this thread into my little web.
My life has been a whole lot simpler since I began my leave of absence from work a few weeks ago. I don't have a rigid schedule I must adhere to, and don't have as many time constraints or commitments to keep. I write and read when I want. I feel good if I've "accomplished" something during the day. But if I haven't, I feel guilty. However, I'm also healthier, more fit, more relaxed, and in better spirits than I've been for many months.
That's precisely because I'm not filling every moment of my waking life with being a busy, productive person. Nor am I being lazy. It's just that my life is simpler. That's all.
I have enough money to live comfortably for a while, but not enough to do the sort of things I dream about in my "ideal" life - which would include travelling and going out more. But the penny dropped just now when I realized that I'm more balanced these days. My inner life is more in keeping with my exterior existence. It's simpler, more streamlined.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll learn to like exactly what I have, because I have plenty - health, a nice home, a sweet animal companion, friends and family. Maybe I'll stop comparing myself to people who have more or have experienced more. Experienced is the operative word here. Since my sabbatical began, I'm "experiencing" even less than I have in a while. I have less to talk about at the end of the day. People's eyes would glaze over if I went on about the process and progress of my writing. And I can't talk about how hooked I am on yoga any more. I love it and that's that. What more to say?
I'm finally learning that people who live according to simple, minimal requirements and desires, whether by choice or need, aren't necessarily boring, inexperienced people. Okay, so my life isn't exciting. It doesn't vary much from day to day. And it's been like that for a long time, especially when I was working full-time and making a steady, albeit minimal income.
Now I'm "doing" even less, and have fewer experiences to relate. Makes for rather boring conversation, and for a storyteller that can be deadly. But I haven't felt this good about myself in a long, long time. That's the "ping."
- G.P.