A Thousand Words

The picture here is not a pretty one. It's a photograph of the house where I used to live over 6 years ago. I didn't own the house; I rented the flat on the 2nd floor, but I called it home for 24 years. The big, gaping hole on the upper level used to be the living room. The burnt out window to the right is where my bedroom used to be.
My home of almost a quarter of a century burnt down this past June, after being abandoned and boarded up for over 6 years. I was evicted, along with the other tenants in the house, and everyone else in the five century homes on the same side of the street. Most of the tenants on that side of the street were various artists and other low-income persons. After we were evicted by the landlord/developers - nice development, eh? - they boarded up all the houses and left them derelict for squatters to regularly invade and occupy. The squatters would be booted out on a regular basis, the doors were boarded up again, and then the desperate folk looking for shelter would come back, knock down the doors and start the whole cycle over again. It went on like this until somebody, looking to warm themselves one chilly night, lit a fire in my former home and shut it down for good.
I tell this sorry little story because it's a perfect metaphor for my life right now; at least it was at the time of the fire. There have been profound changes in my life this past year, most of them good, or at least resulting in something good. When I was evicted from my home, it was a death of sorts - a death of a way of life I had known for half my life at the time. There was sadness and struggle, and a lot of purging. I rid myself of more than half of what I'd accumulated in all those years living there, and have been purging a little all the time ever since. But along with this highly significant "death" in my life, there was also renewal.
Fast forward more than 6 years to the present, when my life and circumstances have changed again, and the house I was so unceremoniously kicked out of burns down. I found out about what had happened to my house upon my return from my brief and joyous sojourn abroad. And of course I don't think it's simply a random event in my life that my old digs should burn down when and how they did. In the years following my eviction, I sometimes returned to see how my long-time, former home was doing. It was falling apart rapidly, of course, and signs of the cyclical coming and going of squatters was clearly evident. I suppose that's not so surprising; the abandoned houses were practically calling out to homeless people to come and try them out.
My former home was only one of five, large, once-beautiful houses all abandoned and boarded up at the same time. I couldn't help noticing that the only house that was ever crashed into by squatters was mine. And no matter how many times the illegal tenants got shut out of there, they always came back to my place, even though the other homes were as accessible as mine. Go figure.
Of course I apply significance to that fact. I like to think that a certain sense of a happy home still surrounded the place more than the others. You know - good vibes. There was a certain magic to the house and its surroundings. Sometimes people even commented on it. So maybe even homeless folks looking for a good place to crash sensed it as well. I watched all this going on over the subsequent years following my eviction, moving twice in the interim and ending up in my current abode. Things didn't really get much easier and "luckier" for me (whatever that is) until this year, and then wouldn't you know, when I finally felt the struggle and yearning abate, and a brand new life begin, my former home goes up in flames. It became a symbol of my former life being over for good. I couldn't go back even if I wanted to.
I'm dwelling on this right now because of the time of year, and time of life - I have a significant birthday ending in a zero coming up. I've been pondering my upcoming birthday ever since my last birthday, and these symbolic events don't let me forget it. The Zen saying - while you are living know that you are dying - is about living your life while being aware of your own mortality. That isn't morbid. It makes a person aware of what is truly important in this life.
But I'm tired now. I'm aware that my neck and shoulders ache from sitting at the computer for too long, and that it's important for me to recognize that and stop hurting myself more, despite the pleasure I get from writing another little blurb on my little web. I'm also aware that it's mid-afternoon and the rain and clouds that have been around all day are departing, and are leaving behind a fresh, moist, not-quite-fiery-red-and-gold autumn day. I shall go walking and breathing and thence to a closing shift at the bookstore where I work.
Everything happens for a reason (well - most things - the Universe includes randomness, of course), and the messages, signs and symbols the Universe sends me do not go unnoticed. Some of those signs aren't pretty, but they're often the ones that pack the biggest punch. So I'm off to look for more signs - nice, happy signs - on what's turning out to be a lovely day. And I'll leave you with a nice, happy sign, too. Enjoy.
Blessed be.
- G. P.

Another First Day

Happy Autumnal Equinox!
I could not let this day go by without writing on my little web and wishing any well-wishers an auspicious first day of fall.
It's truly a first day of fall for me. It's a little bit sad due to some personal things in my life, but it's mostly good. Still, I'd be in denial to ignore the sad things that happen or pass through life. That makes it a perfect metaphor for the first day of this happy-kind-of-sad season, at least for yours truly.
I have much to look forward to, as one does on the first day of anything. But there are also things that I worry and wonder about, things I know are inevitable and not necessarily welcome. Death is one of those things. This is the time of year that heralds the arrival of death. But with death, I'm glad to say, renewal will come, sooner or later, in one form or anther.
It's really piss-pouring rain outside as I write this. It's a not-so-gentle reminder that tears must fall. But it's still very beautiful. There are trees turning colour in a safe, peaceful, familiar scene just outside my window. It's a contemplative moment that I'm daring to share with others.
Not all peaceful moments are without sadness. This day reminds me of that very clearly. But there is beauty in sadness, too. (And please, I'm not talking about shock or grief, at least not on an immediate, personal level.) I associate sadness with quietude, and that's where I am right now. Some of this time I have right now is sad, but not so bad. It is what it is etc etc and all that.
So here's to the Autumnal Equinox. It's a First Day, and I'm into first days big time. I have a lot to look forward to, as well as my share of things that must come even if I don't want them to. That pretty much describes this season for me. I'm learning to embrace that fact of life. That's good, too, because it will always come and I can't change that.
So my wish for any good souls who come by this way is to have a glorious fall, and a good and peaceful life, and death in its own, good time.
So mote it be.
- G. P.

Pregnant

Anticipation is part of the joy - a large part - of knowing when something you've wanted or wished for will happen. Studies have shown that when people are given a choice of whether they would prefer to visit a dream destination within a week, or within a couple of months, the vast majority preferred to wait. Why? Anticipation.
Dreaming or imagining something you long to do can be bittersweet if there seems to be no end in sight to longing and yearning. But all that wistful yearning becomes gleeful anticipation when a wish or a dream is coming true. That's happening to me right now. I'm living in a state of happy anticipation for the fulfilment of a long-held dream. Goddess knows I've had my share of joy and wish-fulfillment this year, and I'm very grateful. It hasn't always been this way for me. In a number of my earlier posts from the previous 2 years, I discuss making the best out of restrictive, mundane circumstances - living in the moment and enjoying just breathing, walking, eating, listening etc etc and so forth. You know - the "be here now" thing. I still try to be completely present and in the moment whilst doing those things, but I've got the added bonus of anticipating a wonderful event coming into my life. In just over 6 weeks from now I will be seeing a dream come true. I'm going on a yoga retreat in a magical, mystical part of the world, very far away from home, somewhere I've longed to go for many, many years.
My regular readers will no doubt have observed that I've don't name exactly where I live or where I've been or what place I'm writing about. That's because I want to emphasize my experience, and what I learned and felt. In other words, I prefer to write about my inner journey more than the external one. I also like to think that much of my inner life could happen anywhere, and isn't necessarily the product of where I've been. Of course, a change of scenery is more likely to create a change of mind than the tedium of daily, unchanging routine, otherwise there wouldn't be so much travel literature out there. And I also realize that the yoga retreat I'm going on is in the sort of place that would make it almost impossible not to name, which I shall do when the time is right. But for now, I won't be specific because this particular blurb is about my anticipation of the whole experience, and not the place itself.
And so the experience has begun. My life and time spent doing what I do every day has been enriched merely by the fact that I'm full of expectation. Looking forward to the very near future is not robbing me of the present moment, not in this case. In fact, when small, ordinary irritations and inconveniences occur, I just close my eyes for a moment and think of what's to come. I'm not wasting the precious here and now with dreams of what isn't or hasn't happened. I'm making the present moment richer and deeper with pleasant thoughts.
My year so far has been filled with adventure and new experiences, and in-between those times I've been blessed with the anticipation of more to come, because I know and like what's coming. Constant yearning is distracting and deleterious to conscious living. It can make a person bitter. Anticipation makes a person better. And I'm better these past months than I've been in a long, long time.
Blessed be.
- G. P.

Wonderful

I walked home from a friend's place last night in a state of wonder. I walked westward, facing one of the most spectacular evening skies I've ever seen, and it happened on an ordinary day in the city that is my home. I hadn't gone to another part of the world to witness this natural beauty, I just happened to chance on it when the conditions were just right for creating the vivid, stratified, pink and pale blue cloud formations that graced the western horizon. I didn't think that pastel colours could be so vivid, but they were, and only as Mother Nature can create them.
Although I didn't perceive any movement in the clouds, the scene altered and shifted rapidly. When I realised how quickly the beauty before me would disappear, I began to quicken my pace to get home and take a picture from my back yard. I managed to do so while there was still plenty of colour and texture, but my efforts as a nature photographer left me disappointed. The picture I captured paled in comparison to what was out there. Nevertheless, I was grateful to have had some sense of what I'd witnessed recorded and filed away in my photo album.
The random gift that was presented to me at the end of a seemingly ho-hum day isn't the only thing I'll recall whenever I refer to those pictures. As I walked down the city sidewalk, focussed on the grandeur before me, I passed a lot of people - sitting in cafés and pubs, or walking the same direction as I. The glorious sky was so striking it was practically in-their-faces, but I could count the number of people on my hand who bothered to pause and look at it. Even people walking directly west didn't seem to notice at all, or, if they did notice - and I don't know which is worse - seemed completely unimpressed. Of the dozens of people I walked by, there were, of course, a few who were awestruck, and we exchanged a few knowing words or smiles. Mutual acknowledgement deepens appreciation. And boy-oh-boy, was I ever glad there were others who cared about the grand gift they'd been offered. My dismay in my insensitive fellow human beings was beginning to taint my elation, and also in danger of making me feel superior. (Not a good way to feel.) Fortunately, Mother Nature is mightier than I, and the magnificent sky she had painted overwhelmed and subdued my petty human concerns. Nevertheless, I was left with something to complain about in this little web of mine today.
I'm not really complaining, though. I prefer to think of it as "observation." And what I observed in the sky last night far outweighs my disappointment in my fellow mortals. It put things into perspective. Our Earth and all its wonders is greater than any single human being. We are all a part of this Earth, and indeed, all of creation. Spending a few minutes looking upon a vast and glorious sight brought out the best in me. I was there, and I was a part of it. I was filled with wonder. I was wonderful. Seeing a wondrous sunset made me that way, and that's the best gift of all.
Blessed be.
- G.P.

Artful Living

Living is an art, and living well is an even finer art. You can be an artist every moment of every day, simply by slowing down, enjoying the wonderful act of breathing, and listening. But what, you may ask, are you creating? Yourself. You are creating yourself. Everything you think, do, and say, shapes who you are.
Next time you have your picture taken, smile. Everyone looks better when they smile. Creating a better you is not rocket science. It's a simple matter of conscious living. So why not slow down right now? You're probably sitting at a computer as you read this, but you can slow down even more by breathing deeply, and listening. There are so many things to hear even as you read this, and you can notice them without losing focus on what you're doing, which, at the moment, is reading.
Taking your time, breathing, and listening makes you look better, because you're more centred and more relaxed. It might even make you smile, and that'll make you look better still. You'll be creating a better, more attractive you.
That's all for now. I just wanted to slow down, become aware of my breathing, and listen. That's what I've been doing while writing these words. They're not poetic or profound, but I've had a few minutes of conscious living, and I feel better for it. For the time being, I've created a better me.
Have a good day.
- G.P.

Drivel

Happy September! The arrival of September means that summer is drawing to a close, and I've had a good one - a very good one, indeed. But I'm not letting the fact that one of the best summers of my life is coming to an end get me down. Nosiree. You see, I've just laid the foundation for the rest of my life - the best of my life. And for a not-so-young-anymore person like me, that's really saying something. I've always been a later-bloomer, in every phase of my life, and that applies to the narrative arc of my entire life as well. I'm a Scorpio, and Scorpios are traditionally late-bloomers.
So that's why I'm spending time on my little web writing goddess-knows-what just to make sure I set the tone for the entire month (it's the first day of September) and for the rest of my life, for that matter.
I'm going back to my "straight" job today, but that doesn't mean I'll be spending the rest of my life there. No way. It simply means I'll be earning money for the rest of my life. See how that works? I'm writing right here and now - that's me being creative, expressing myself. I went to yoga this morning, so I'm keeping myself fit. I've performed a few necessary tasks that make for right and responsible living, and I've made connections with people via email. All this is good. Makes for a good life to come.
I'm focussing on living well for just one day, and so far, so good. Just hope I can keep it up whilst I'm at work. That's the real challenge for the day. But if I can go to work, stay upbeat and polite and do a good job (I sell books - it's not so bad), then I'll have had had an exemplary day.
Only one thing's missing - I need time for fun, for pleasure. I've had some down time and relaxation, but I want to have fun to make my day complete. But shouldn't what I'm doing right now be the fun part? I'm a writer and an actress. Artists are supposed to love what they do. They're supposed to be passionate about their work. I don't know if being passionate about something is the same as having fun, but if I just keep moving my fingers over the keyboard, sooner or later I might realize that I'm enjoying myself. But I'm beginning to think maybe not. My neck and shoulders are sore and tense. Sitting at a computer for longer than 30 minutes does that to me. That's why I'm so glad I don't work in an office, sitting all day at a desk. That's not me. Not at all.
I'm still waiting for a theme to emerge from this little blurb I'm spitting out. Nothing so far... I've already explained why I'm writing this. That was the beginning. But I need a theme. I need a how. If I don't have a theme I won't be able to have a proper middle section - the development of my thesis - and if I don't have a middle, then horror of horrors, how on earth can I have an ending? A conclusion? Aargh!
You see, I've got a mandate for the day, for this first day of September, so I'll just keep slugging away until the muse descends, or not, so that I can make some pithy little statement, or not, to conclude this rambling, pointless blurb.
My neck and shoulders are in spasm, but I've written a bit of nonsense and will determine if it was fun once I get off the computer and roll and rub my shoulders a bit. But I feel sorry for you, dear reader. I'm sorry that you've read to this point (if, indeed, you have made it this far) and find that I've no wisdom to impart. All I've done is indulge myself in my usual first-day-of-anything-sets-the-tone habit, and come up with this drivel. My humblest apologies. Please forgive me. I hope you can, because - to quote one of my heroes, Mahatma Gandhi - the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
There. Now you don't have to forgive me, because I've finally shared a bit of wisdom on this little web of mine, and from someone much wiser than I.
Namaste.
- G.P.
p.s. I think I'm finally able to say I had some fun. Whew.